(FORENOTE: I don’t feel entirely comfortable with posting this. In fact, I feel extremely uncomfortable with this. This is the sort of thing I’d tell my closest friends, not a class of students I barely know. But I couldn’t write anything else with as much openness and candor as I could this. And I remembered what our professor mentioned about it having to be something we genuinely cared about, or it would come off as dry. I just felt like I should mention that. Also, I would gladly accept comments or suggestions on this article. Either on the text or on the questions in the text. Thanks.)
I feel so liberated. I feel so free, for the first time in my life. I grew up in a very strict household, and being out on my own is easily the greatest thing to ever happen to me. With that said, I’ve thought about what problems I am currently facing, and I have struggled to think of much of anything. But this liberation that makes my life feel so perfect might be the largest problem of all. It’s a bit paradoxical, but let me try and explain myself. I was raised in a LDS family. I’m now 18 years old. It’s a big time in my life. If you’re familiar with the LDS religion at all, you know where I’m going with this. When I turn 19, I have a family, a home ward, and an entire LDS community back home expecting me to leave on a two-year LDS mission. This presents a problem, because due to various aspects of my life, I do not feel like this is necessarily what I want to do. Now that I am living on my own, I am finally allowed to make my own choices. And I fear my choices might be looked down upon by the majority of those that I love and grew up with.
But it goes a lot deeper than that. You see, my mom has a long history of extreme depression. She’s been hospitalized for even trivial matters. And one thing that is more important to her than anything else in her life is the church, and that includes me going on a mission. When my older brother left the church several years ago, and chose not to go on a mission, it almost killed my mother. And I mean that literally. My mother has attempted to take her own life on several occasions. And my brother’s situation sparked the deepest depression I had ever seen my mother in. I’m, as the saying goes, between a rock and hard place. I’m not the type of person who would go on a two year mission just to satisfy those around me. But at the same time, I’m very worried that if I don’t, it will kill my mother (metaphorically, or not).
I think anyone can understand how hard this is. I cannot have something as awful as my mother’s death on my chest. I’d never be able to live with myself. And I’ve put myself in an even deeper situation by never talking about this with my mother in the past. I’ve been questioning my religion for years now, but she is still under the impression that I’m going exactly where she wants me to. This is my current greatest problem, worsened evermore by my going to college, and making my own decisions.
. . . I just bore my soul to a website. . .
My personal opinion (which I know isn't worth much) would to perhaps ask her more questions and discuss your overall feelings about the whole situation with her. It might be easier to discuss things little by little than to bring it all to her at once, but really I don't fully know the situation, so I can't offer the best advice, but good luck :)
ReplyDeleteHey Zach, I know exactly where you are coming from on this. I too am deciding whether or not to go on a mission. The odds are, that I am not. I however have talked to my parents about the issue, and they told me that they would not judge or think any less of me if I did not go. I think maybe you should talk to your parents about it. You shouldn't feel forced to go on a mission because if it is not what you want to do, then you will only be a hindrance to someone who wants to be out there. There is no reason why anyone should think any less of you if you don't go. Also it is not a saving ordinance, so if you don't go you won't be like damned to hell or anything like that. I'm not telling you that you shouldn't go, I think you should. Just talk it over with your parents and don't rationalize. I want you to know that at least I will not judge or think any less of you regardless of your decision.
ReplyDeleteThanks to both of you for the comments. I guess I can't avoid it forever huh?
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ReplyDeleteFirst off folks, I’d like to honor my good buddy Zach here for bearing his heart and soul into this, (Daniel, I say he deserves some bonus points ha); but like he expressed, this really is not like him at all, so kudos to you my friend. So now, onto MY comment or “blog” if I may professor…
ReplyDeleteDude, I’m totally up there with ya. Tisk, tisk, this IS a tricky situation we have here isn’t it?
Like I’ve told you myself, after going through several years of this back and forth stuff with MY parents and loved ones, I have finally decided to go on a service mission. Now I know you once considered this in the past BUT, don’t think of it as merely pleasing your mother—that’s just a perk. The whole point of going on a friken mission after all is for YOU, personally, emotionally, and here’s the big “duh”, spiritually. And when I say that, I plainly insinuate your connection with God—which can be achieved through many OTHER means such as: prayer, meditation, study, etc.
I bring up “emotionally” because everyone expects someone who goes on a typical LDS mission to simply “grow up” and “learn” about life and all that-- not that YOU need to grow up at all Zach, (I’m one to talk huh). I guess what I’m trying to say here is anyone who goes away for an extended period of time changes in my opinion—for better or for worse—so you WILL gain something out of all this... no matter if you go or not.
Also, another point here is that you may not feel like you even NEED a “brake” seeing as you just got out and you FINALLY feel free! I say, live it up and enjoy it at least until you’re satisfied and you feel to urge to again press forward and move on in your life. Perhaps it is THEN you can start considering some sort of mission (or another form of service) when you’re like 25 or something.
I’m getting off subject…
Now folks, I’ve actually met Zach’s mom on a few occasions, and even though brief, you can still tell that there’s a reasonable, compassionate, and yet, understanding person inside, (key word right there amigo).
I guess the main things that I’m trying to get across with all this is indeed something you yourself brought up in your blog. If I may quote you, “I’ve put myself in an even deeper situation by never talking about this with my mother in the past. I’ve been questioning my religion for years now, but she is still under the impression that I’m going exactly where she wants me to”. Those are the two biggies right there. Have you even mentioned it to your mom? And someone commented earlier about expressing your feelings “slowly” and just “over time”, good advice says I. As for the spiritual aspect, well, you know what you need to do.
So like you said man, you’re not the type of person who would go on a two-year mission just to satisfy those around you. Good, me neither. And I’m sure no matter what you decide in the end…your loved ones back at home in the glorious city of Olde Nephi will still love you, you KNOW I do buddy. Nothing creepy. Ha ha ;)
Eric Osmond
Just a quick thought, I know this was posted forever ago, but I was thinking about it as I feel I'm finally able to relate. I'm questioning everything and anything that's part of my life or belief system. My recommendation is put it to the test. I feel that's the only way for me to know the truth and it's what everyone tells you, so I'm going to at least give it a try so I know that I can believe what I believe without a doubt. But it can be scary questioning everything that you've ever been taught and stepping back for however long it takes, but good luck once again.
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